FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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