god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
