So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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