you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize