If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
