Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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