The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
