Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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