There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
