youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she looked like the before picture.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
