i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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