Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
