Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize