We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Ladies don't puke and tell
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
