I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize