i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
