1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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