So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
