I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
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