go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ugly people sure do ruin things
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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