is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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