i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
