I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
