I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Semen is not good for contacts.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
