I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
