Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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