I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
that may or may not have been my penis.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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