don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
