My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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