he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
