mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Too much gin, very little bucket
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
why is half of my head shaved?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
