Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
