Pappa wants mamma naked
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
