Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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