4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
