Swine flu. Run for my life!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
