I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
