remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
