of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
