I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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