i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
