I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
