My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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