I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
