If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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