I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
