Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
