I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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