Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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