I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
