its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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