Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
