So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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