So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
