fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
