Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
