Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
