So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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